the pain of dissolution

Last night's sermon was very enlightening. Although it was delivered by a pastor I had only heard once, and was not too sure of, it was a very great message. It concerned the command of God for Moses to throw down his staff in order for Moses to see the power of God.

The theme of the sermon was that we need to let go of things we are holding onto if they keep us from seeing God, or being filled with the Holy Spirit. Moses's staff was something that Moses clung to very tightly, and when tested by God, we wonder if he actually argued with God about it before he threw it down. But when he threw it down, it became a snake, and in that way, Moses was filled with the awe and knowledge of God. By losing that to which he clung, Moses could suddenly see God. Moses, having spent 40 years in the desert, had to lose himself, to die to himself, before he was tempered enough to receive God's instruction. By losing his identity as an Egyptian, and even as a slave in Egypt, Moses became a vessel for the message of God, but he first had to throw away that to which he was clinging, his staff, his identity, his pride, and maybe his unbelief.

In the same way, Paul writes that he no longer lives, that he has been crucified with Christ, and that Christ lives in him. Essentially saying, again, that one has to completely let go, and Christ will fill one in one's place.

I took that sermon very seriously. I prayed extensively about it. I have not been of use to Christ as myself. I have been hung up on "issues" I might have, and things about "me" that keep the focus off of where it needs to be for true healing and effective Kingdom work. I have been so sad and upset at times, that I knew how Elijah felt in 1 Kings 19:4, when he prays to die, saying that he has had enough. Last night, I prayed to die, but in a different way. Not to be relieved of burdens and sorrows, but to be open anew to be filled again. Even though I have had the joyous moment of being found, I have not lost myself enough in faith to be an effective worker, and so now, it's time for Philip to go, to make room for Christ in me that I have not yet made.

And not only for Philip to go, but whatever staff he is clinging to that keeps him from experiencing God's joy and Holy Spirit. Those words echoed around in my head all night, as I tried to find that in my head and heart which was the most pressing thing that keeps me, right now, away from God. I prayed, and in my reading today, I got my answer, and answer to let go.

So, in that spirit, I read today's lesson, and tried to understand things from a perspective that is not my own, but as much Christ's as I can understand. I have tried to understand it outside the framework in which it was written and tried to see what truths lie behind the words.

Divorce is painful. Dissolution of love is one of the saddest things that anyone can face. Yet staying in a painful situation in which one is betrayed is not the life for which we are intended. Betraying a love, by pursuing divorce, is as wrong as being betrayed. As sad as it is to face the end of a love, sometimes this pain is the staff which we have to throw down before we can truly see what God intends for us. Suffering our own earthly pain without feeling hope of healing can twist and blind us. We may not know how tightly we are clinging to this pain of loss, unable to let go, but God uses this, when we let it go, for His benefit. Jesus knew of the power of human love, and knows how this power can shape an entire life. He was doing logic 360's around the Pharisees using small human arguments trying to trick Him, and even then, they were too foolish to see His deeper meaning. The loss of love is so painful to humans, that all kinds of proscriptions and advice need to be attendant on the act of loving another. In this way, God defends His people, protective of their hearts. Anything less is legalistic wordplay, barely worth recognizing. It's the love, united in God, which matters.

It's hard to let go, but I have faith that God will use this. I am hoping He has already started.