The inside of the cup

I am really beginning to hate myself.

How many times have I been guilty of greed and self-indulgence? Or of ignoring justice, mercy, and faith? How many camels have I swallowed while straining water for gnats?

I fall so short, all the time. And every time I fall short, I remember that I thought I was "doing it right" at the time. I really thought I was trying to live a good life, do the right thing, and do the things that made sense to me. But when the car goes shooting off the interstate at high speed, I'm reminded that I didn't even come close. Not truly. I missed the mark by a wide, wide margin, even though I really thought I was coloring inside the lines. How far away from the ideal that I perceive that I have been is an indicator of how poor of a person I am.

So, even though I think I am trying, even though I think I am doing the right things, I fail. And I fail in a big, big way. Spectacularly, miserably, violently, whimperingly... I fail. And the one thing in common with all these statements is "I." "I" fail. I'm really beginning to hate myself.

Every day, my prayers have been to remove the "I" from me. God needs to drive, and my job is to follow and do what He tells me to do. When "I" come in, "I" fails.

So, I can hate "myself" and not get caught up in self-hatred. I can be instructed from this process to continue to place God's plan for me first. The "me" that is the dirt on the inside of the cup needs attention. The outcome of that dirt, and the poison it creates, is my focus for "hatred."

I was created in a certain way, and the parts of the world that I have taken on and have created this "me" that fails, I can "hate," but I can do it without despair. I hate intolerance and evil, but I do not despair from it. Despair would rob me of my ability to correct that evil, further playing into the hands of the creator of the evil. If I despaired over my own shortcomings, I would be playing into further selfishness and falling farther into that trap. By hating what I see, I can know what I need to correct, passionately, and know what I need to fill my cup with. Mercy, justice, faith...

Jesus spoke against the Pharisees. But what if some of them were well intentioned? What if some of them truly thought they were doing the right thing, because so much of their past had taught this to them. What if some good, well intentioned Phariseeical student, with mercy in his heart, and a sincere love for God, simply could not believe in the deity of Christ because doing so would violate his own faith in right versus wrong? What if his heart were pure and full of humility, and was paralyzed for fear of committing a sin against his knowledge of God? What if that Pharisee was me?

I am starting to really understand how little I can rely on my own understanding. It's easy to Pharisee-bash, but what if I am that Pharisee? I know how much I fail, so I seek to understand, and right now, I start with hating what I see, and using that to correct what I can know.

After my latest crash-and-burn, I know I need to take time to think about what I did wrong. How far away from the mark I was, even though I thought I was doing the right thing. How much I need to lose the "I" and follow God's plan for my life. And if I have even messed that up, how much I need to depend on grace and have faith that if it is His will, He will bring me back to it.

It's faith, again.